Equality

I feel a heavy weight bearing down on my heart.  I am seeing people taking sides on issues of what is right and what is wrong that should be friends.  Families in turmoil because of a battle that rages day by day.  People putting each other down because of how they feel, specifically in this instance, about equality, homosexuality, and marriage rights.  This is so much deeper than one subject, but since this is what is weighing so heavily on my heart right now, I want to talk about it.

I am a Christian Woman.  I have friends from many walks of life.  I love you all dearly.  I do not feel that fighting with those I love from one side or the other of an issue is going to be a good example of my faith or of the power or love of my God.


I Corinthians 6:9 says:

"Know you not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.  And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

I believe that we are all equal.  There really is a level playing field if we talk 'big picture.'

'Unrighteous people' doesn't mean 'homosexuals' any more strongly than it means 'thief' or 'liar' or 
'cheater' or any other wrong thing we humans are inclined to.  I am an unrighteous person.  I sometimes drive too fast.  I'm sometimes lazy.  I sometimes tell a little white lie that Forrest Gump's mama said wasn't gonna hurt nobody.  I sometimes lash out in anger at the people I love the most. I sometimes fall down on the job and let people down.  I sometimes am covetous.  I could go on, but who wants to read an 'air of my dirty laundry'?  You too, whoever you are, are an unrighteous person.  Because I am, I feel that calling you the same thing is no insult; it's simply a fact of life.  Pot, meet kettle; nobody's perfect. 

There has never been any human being born, or created by God Himself that hasn't had a natural urge to push the envelope and break the rules, or justify their life choices, I do it every day. 

Except Jesus. 

Neither the religious leaders, nor the laws of his day could find fault with him.  They had to make stuff up.  They had to indict him by going against all they knew and even taught.  They crucified him in the most demeaning and merciless way they could think of.  And he took it.  And he died as a direct result of it.  He didn't have to endure it, but he poured his blood and sweat and tears out physically to show that he was exactly who he said he was, and that we were, to him, that important. 

Just because I believe that homosexuality is a sin doesn't mean I hate all homosexual people.  To me it isn't about homosexuality, or lying, or stealing, or cheating, or  whatever sin you choose.  I would have a lot of people to hate if I were supposed to hate all people who were unrighteous. Lying is a sin.  I would have to hate everyone, myself included in that case, because I know no one who has never told a lie.  While some continue to ridicule my Savior because they do not believe that he came to do what he did for me, for you; for everyone---it doesn't change the fact that it is so.  He didn't come and offer an ultimatum.  He offered us a gift, and kept intact the right for us to choose what we believe.  I can't bring myself to feel animosity or hatred for people who don't believe the same things as me, or even those who denigrate my beliefs.  I wouldn't want to make anyone hurt the way it hurts me when it happens.  I believe that somehow through my words, by the power of my God, a seed of forgiveness and of faith would be planted in the hearts of the people who are drowning in the throes of a world gone mad, and that the vine that grows from that seed of faith would be a tether by which they could pull themselves free of the bondage of fear, the prison of hate, and the captivity of sin.  I pray that their hearts would be set free, their eyes would see, and their ears would hear of the peace of God that passes all understanding.  Of the peace I lose sight of in the muck of the world, but have only by faith to take hold of once more, which is something I have to do every day.

I am not here on this earth as a judge.  Thank God.  I believe that I am here as a voice of truth, and proof that perfection is not a requirement to obtain freedom and love and peace in a dark, cold, hurting world.  I cannot put into words the grieving I feel for people who fight each other on account of their actions, beliefs and ideas.  I believe that talking people into believing the way I do is impossible, not to mention a horrible idea.  I believe that showing people what I believe by living it with mistakes and sins included, and praying for hope and peace for our souls, no matter what, is the best-the only-thing I can-even should-do.  Please know, that I love you with my whole heart, and that I pray for all of us.  And I will continue to pray as long as I am here. 

God, give peace to those in turmoil.  Shed light in the dark places.  Set free those who ask it of You.  I ask it by Your grace and by Your love.  So be it. -Amen.

May you have peace.  May it guide your heart out of a dark place. If you wish for freedom, may you find it in His grace and in His love. 

Doubts that don't belong...

Life is just life.  Things happen. People go on living in the day to day.  I pray to God for healing for hurts, solutions for troubles, and comfort for those feeling loss.  I can't seem to find my faith, however, when I myself need something from God.  I feel like I don't deserve the gifts from Him that I believe wholeheartedly that others will certainly receive if I pray they will in Jesus' name.  I am asking that you all pray for me that I not only will feel His hand on my life, and hear Him say that 'whatever I ask, believing, I shall receive,' but also that those unspoken groanings in my heart will be answered.  No one thing I need is huge, but there are so many things that build up, like residue, causing me to slip and slide and hold the walls for balance as I try and muddle through.  I feel like I am trying to win a race and my lane is full of jello.  I think that if I could just get a little momentum from God, I could get a running start, and use the slippery surface to gain some ground, rather than lose it, or struggle just to stand still.  I couldn't explain, even if I tried, all the thoughts and needs that fill my mind, but I know that God knows. Please pray that God will speak, and I will have sense enough to hear His voice.

You Get What You Pray For

After a very long day that Monday, I lay in bed with a nasty head cold, praying for a Christmas Miracle that I would be able to breathe through my nose again when I awoke.  That did not happen.  I woke and got my son up and out the door just in time to catch the bus.  I picked up a breakfast sandwich and had to wait.  I was 4 minutes late to the office.  I expected my boss to come in around Noon.  She phoned to say that she would be back closer to 2 p.m.  My head is swimming from the pressure and other nasty cold-related symptoms.  When she arrives, I tell her I am going to the store for orange juice and medicine and then heading off to bed.  I agree to drop off the mail in the outside box.  I won’t even have to get out of the car.  But, I decide to go in and see if – just maybe – my anticipated check has arrived in the mail.  Eureka, it has!  Finally, I had a good turn.  I cash the check and go to the store.  I picked up everything I think I need.  I am in the checkout line.  I reach into my purse.  I can’t find my cash.  The $280.00 that I have had in my possession for less than half an hour is missing without a trace.  I looked everywhere.  Up and down the aisles.  Under displays.  On the shelves.  I KNOW it was in my purse.  It was not there.  I asked a fellow shopper to keep an eye out.  She really hoped that I would find it, she said.  I went to my car.  I looked through all my mail from the post office.  I looked in the cracks.  I looked under the seats.  I dumped the entire contents of my purse.  While I sorted through it, I said, “Okay God.  What are you trying to teach me? I’m listening!”  I didn’t find it.  I looked under the car.  I looked all over the parking lot.  The lady who wished me well came up to me as she was headed for her car.  She held out her hand and asked if the bill she was holding would help with my groceries.  The sun was in my eyes.  I looked closer, and the bill was a hundred.  I resisted.  I couldn’t take that much money from her!  She insisted, said “Merry Christmas!” and walked away.  There was no discussion.  I went back inside in tears.  Some of the cashiers were tearing up because I was, being so moved by what happened outside. Three of them had gone together and paid for my groceries, which totaled 77 dollars.  I tried to give them the hundred the lady outside had given me.  They told me to keep it, because I was going to need it.  While one of the managers loaded my groceries in the car, I looked through the store and through my car one last time.  There, inside folds of a letter, inside an envelope, was my bank envelope full of cash.  I went back into the store.  Everyone had seen me crying.  There were several people in the checkout lines.  I was asked if I had found the money.  I smiled, and held up the envelope.  There was applause.  Sighs of relief could be heard from everyone there.  I was still in tears.  So were some of the other ladies.  I insisted on paying for my groceries, and giving the lady, who was gone, her money back.  They let me pay them back for my things, but no one knew the lady or if they did they weren’t letting on.  I was never upset about the money.  I wasn’t panicked.  I wasn’t crying because I lost money.  It wasn’t gone long enough for me to panic.  I was just overwhelmed by the immediate outpouring of goodwill.  In times where things are falling apart, it gives me peace in my heart to have been the target of God’s Christmas Miracle.  I wasn’t even going to get out of the car at the post office, but because I did, I got to see God work.  Merry Christmas Everyone.  If you get the chance, be a Christmas Miracle.  You will never feel the same again.

Why did God put a forbidden tree in the garden of Eden? Was he trying to manipulate us?

This question was posted by a friend of mine. 

God created man in his own image.  He saw that man was alone, and He was never alone, since He is Almighty, Spirit and Flesh. God never wished for his people to be alone or separate from him, but sin existed BEFORE Adam and Eve, as evidenced by satan’s (lucifer) fall from grace. God took woman out of man’s body in order that he should have a companion and since she was a part of him was one with Him, since they were created in God's image.

God created ALL things, INCLUDING free will.  It is not good or perfect for God to create beings with no choice but to love them and obey them.  If ever there was an experiment conducted by God, it was creating free will, not giving loving instruction to his children and hoping they chose rightly.  If they didn’t have free will to choose to obey or to love him, why would he have had to give them instructions on what tree not to eat from?  As parents, do we not tell our children what we want them to do for their own good, knowing already that they will disobey?  But we still tell them because we love them, and we want them to learn from the mistakes we already know they are going to make?

It is important also to note that there are TWO specific trees mentioned in the Garden of Eden, only one from which he forbade them to eat.  One is the Tree Of The Knowledge Of Good And Evil, and the other is the Tree Of Life.  My father in law (Pastor Dave Williamson) explained it to me further:  The Tree Of Life is the spiritual choice. If they had chosen to eat from it by relying on their faith and CHOOSING to turn away from the temptation of lucifer and also the temptation of their own five senses (the flesh), God says that they would live in innocence and paradise forever (which we who accept Christ still will).  The Tree Of The Knowledge Of Good And Evil cannot be described as simply the Tree of knowing the difference between right and wrong.  It is LITERALLY the tree that first revealed to Adam and Eve, by their CHOICE, the very EXISTENCE of good and evil. The Tree Of Life is Christ.  The tree of the knowledge of good and evil is the LAW.  Without the Tree of Life (Christ) Humans are bound by the LAW (the knowledge of good and evil), and the law can only condemn.  Christ and Christ alone can only redeem.  So, really God did know that his people would disobey, but to say that he tricked or manipulated them into making the wrong choice is contrary to the very nature of God.  Temptation came from satan’s temptation and the temptation of their senses (they saw that it was good for food), and then satan’s temptation of Adam THROUGH Eve, whom he had already attacked (meaning you can’t put all the blame off on Eve :). The choice was always theirs, even from the very BEGINNING. :)

A Painful bit of Honesty

I’m sitting in my glider rocking chair, covered in a quilt that has seen far better days but was made by my grandmother out of grandpa’s work shirts and other bits of fabric she had collected over the years.  Tattered and torn is accompanied by loved and cherished in this covering.  It has been quite a long day.  Because I’ve run out, I haven’t taken my depression medication in four days.  After one day, my nervous system gets upset, and makes it known by sending electric shocks through my body each time I blink my eyes.  As this is day four, it is a bit of an understatement to say that it’s worse than that.  I woke this morning and Riley was up and ready to play.  I felt like I would fly apart at any second, but gave my best effort not to.  We watched some cartoons, and Riley played some in his room while I rested on the couch.  I gathered myself together as best I could and took us to church.  I suppose twenty minutes late is better than a 4^th week in a row of not attending.  After church we went for fried chicken at the diner.  I wore sunglasses from the time we left the house until the time we returned.  Riley had been talking all morning about playing outside with his Frisbee.  I didn’t have it in me, but hoped that Michael would take the Frisbee shift and let Riley burn off his lunch of pancakes and syrup followed by bites of each of our brownies for dessert before laying low a couple of hours.  I for some reason tried instead to get Riley to lay down with me.  Michael got up and Riley didn’t want to lie still, probably from the loads of sugar we just sent coursing through his veins only minutes before. I told him he could go play in his room.  I remember falling asleep really fast.  Then I remember waking up to the sound of Riley kicking the wall; a thing he knows far better than to do.  I suspected that he was looking for attention from one of us.  He got it.  It was not positive attention, but Riley isn’t picky.  He will take any attention he can get, positive or negative.  I just wish I could get him to seek the positive with as much fervency as he seeks the negative.  When I woke, It was my shift again, as I promised Michael I would make sure he could go out for a ride on his motorcycle today, since I preempted his trip yesterday with a trip of my own.  So, he left and Riley and I played some, and I watched a little bit of a show, and then we went outside.  I had been what we call ‘barky’ all day.  Cranky and irritable doesn’t quite describe it.  While outside, the renters downstairs came to pay the rent while Riley played in the yard.  I called Michael’s Mom and Dad to tell them the renters had paid, and I made the mistake of complaining to Mom about my frustrations with Riley and Michael.  She rightfully chastised me for doing Riley a disservice in his life by not getting my stuff together, and by not communicating with my husband.  I was on the edge of falling apart all day.  She is the last person on this earth that I would ever want to upset, but at that moment the fine threads like that of my quilt holding together the outer shell of me gave way, and I was reduced to tears.  I did something that I have never done in my life.  I hung up on her.  I couldn’t bear to face my feeling like a disgrace to parenthood-to say nothing of daughterhood.  I sat there in my lawn chair and cried and cried until I couldn’t breathe.  Riley tried to comfort me.  He said, “It’s okay mama, I take care of ooh.”  I cried more.  What a lovely heart God placed in my boy.  The boy I was failing with.  The exchange was only seconds, but years of failures flooded my thoughts.  “I am a bad mama.”  I said, meaning it to the depths of my soul.  Through my sobs, he hugged me and patted my head.  “You are a good mama.  It be okay.”   I couldn’t stop crying.  I couldn’t stand the thought of failing him.  I couldn’t stand the thought that I had hung up on Mom.  I tried to call back if only to apologize.  The line was busy.  More tears.  I couldn’t see.  My head was pounding.  I finally took a deep breath and calmed a bit.  I called again.  The phone rang.  She answered.  I burst into tears.  We talked and I cried and eventually I had worked myself into a frenzy.  I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t see.  I was a bad mom and a bad daughter.  No one said these things except me, but I believed them to be true.  I had fallen completely apart.  Michael came home from his ride then.  He coaxed me inside, hoping to avoid the scene I could easily have made.  I went to the bathroom and climbed in the shower and sat down under the stream of heat and steam and continued to sob.  I could not stop hyperventilating.   The tears flowed from my eyes as if they had been held back for ages.  I had to take a sedative to finally calm down.  My heart is so fragile.  My temper is so short.  I am able to forget that about myself when I have my medication to rely on.  After my attack, I took a moment to calm down, and then I played school-buses with my boy until his bed time.  He is such a good boy.  This is not the life I wanted for him.  He has struggles and obstacles of his own.  No child deserves to have to reassure their mother at the tender age of six.  They need to play hard and live a full and fun life.  I feel sorry that he has to wait for me because I am slow.  That he has to be gentle with me because I’m fragile.  Please note at this point that just because he is supposed to be gentle doesn’t at all mean that he is.  But he doesn’t understand, and quite frankly he shouldn’t have to. But alas, I suppose each of us has to take our life’s experiences as they come, and from each one choose to either learn a lesson and grow, or drink in the draughts of bitterness set before us and simply endure.  Tonight I will try to accomplish the former, and shrug off the latter and substitute a cup of hot chamomile tea.

Missing Billy

As I sit here, I try to think back.  I met Billy while he was still in high school.  His friends were my friends, and because my friend Emily and I were a little older and shared the rent on a house, we typically had lots of visitors.  Emily was dating Aaron Sanders, and I was dating Michael Williamson, both of whom Billy knew, either from school or from ‘around.’ Billy would grace us with his presence on occasion, and always be welcome, witty and wonderful to be around.  Emily and I were the hosts, but he seemed to be happy to provide entertainment.  He and ‘the guys’  -- Aaron, Dustin, Patrick, Damien, Michael, Rob, Jed and Reed and Laramey, (I have mostly guy friends) and a stream of others seemed to compete for laughter amongst the group.  I remember Billy being full of hardware J  I couldn’t imagine having so many piercings, but they suited him quite nicely.  I remember one particular night close to the end of high school for them.  They had their prom, and quite a few people—even some I didn’t know—came to our house for a get-together afterwards.  Many of the party-goers stayed the night at our house on couches, in chairs, pallets on the floor, etc.  Billy, however, ended up sleeping like a rock on the hardwood floor.  He started out his sleeping endeavor in the living room, but somehow ended up down the hall and around the corner in one of the bedrooms, snoring happily.  My friend Emily woke up at some point to use the bathroom and tripped over him and nearly face-planted in the hallway.  Neither of us will ever forget that!

Then I try to think forward.  I remember meeting Billy's wife for the first time.  I don’t remember exact details.  I remember it was back behind the glove factory on one of those side streets at a house.  I don’t remember why we were there.  I just remember thinking to myself “I really like her!”  Then, sometime later we (My husband and I) saw Billy and his wife in their car in the Leatherwood parking lot, and lo and behold, they had a baby boy – quite possibly the cutest kid I’d ever seen in my life.  I was so happy for Billy! 

Then I was shocked.  He told us he had cancer.  After that meeting, a long, long time went by before I heard anything about Billy again.  I thought about him and all the guys a lot as life happened along as is its habit to do.  I asked someone somewhere how Billy was, and they said better, and that he was working as a medic.  Awesome! I decided to look him up on the notorious Facebook spy network, and found that he was just as awesome and funny as ever, and that there was a new baby to adore there.  I loved how he called her Jack It seemed so endearing to have this beautiful girl with a beautiful name being called simply Jack.  I never got the chance to ask him why he called her that.  I would have loved to know the story.  There had to be a story.  With Billy, there was always a good story! 

I may not have had the in-between time with Billy that I would have liked, but that is actually true of many of my friends since the early days after high school.  Just because we were far apart doesn’t for a second mean that they weren’t thought of, missed, wondered about, loved, cherished for the memories they helped to make, and remembered for all the special things that made them who they were to us.  I feel honored to be even a small part of his full life, and I’m sorry that we lost him so soon.  But much can be learned from someone who was loved and who loved so much.  May God bless Billy’s family and his children and his many, many friends.  I hope that reading this will stir love and respect in the hearts of any who knew him.  It was certainly stirring in the writing.  I will miss you, and I am not alone.

My Health #8 - Wednesday, August 17th

Yesterday I called and scheduled my ambulatory EEG.  I was to be at the LRDC at 8am to get hooked up to the monitor.  I went to bed early and got up at 4am and left the house.  The timing was good.  I got to the clinic at about 7:45.
They got me right in, and I was officially ‘testing’ starting at 9:00 this morning. I am supposed to push a little button when I feel that I am going to have or have just had a ‘spell’ so that they are easier to track on the readout.  I am also keeping a required journal of what I do all day, especially eating, going to sleep, or waking up.  I can’t get anything wet, so I am taking bird baths.  I try never to miss a relaxing shower or bath. Big bummer there : )   No scratching my head.  Yeah right. I am doing my best; that’s all I can say.  No chewing gum or candy, plus lots of other obvious rules not worthy of listing.
I got out of Little Rock as fast as I could.  I came over to the motel and they were kind enough to let me check in 4.5 hours early.  This was a very good thing, because 4am is not my favorite time of the day to get up.  While going to sleep I did have my spells.  I pushed the ‘event button’ every time I had an episode until I fell asleep.  Really the only time I have them is when I am trying to go to sleep or when I am just waking up.  When I woke up at around 2:20, it was to a really weird, and a little freaky dream.  I was startled awake by it.  It  is too weird to describe and I don’t remember most of it.
I am a little mad at myself.  I was so on top of everything.  I had packed everything I needed, had the GPS on my phone to guide me to the motel, had remembered my phone and laptop charger, and even a hairbrush I didn’t need.  I brought all my medicines….except one.  Now I am on a quest to get my medicine at a Wal-Mart here in Maumelle.
I have to be back at the Clinic at 9 in the morning.  More on tomorrow—tomorrow.

August 10th
I woke up early because even though my appointment wasn’t until 9 am, I am used to hopping in my car and driving 1 mile to work.  No traffic.  Today I would be hitting Little Rock during rush hour in the middle of a storm.  I thought it best to play it safe.
I woke with a bad headache and oddly bad heartburn.  Didn’t bring any tums.  Added that to the medicine list for later.  I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to get to the clinic.
Then, as I began to get ready to go, it started to pour down rain.  I have wires and water soluble glue all over my head, and no umbrella.  So, I carefully planned.  I ate breakfast in the motel room (I packed food to save $ : )), I got dressed and ready to walk out the door wearing a hand towel on my head, and a ball cap on my hand towel.  No sooner than I opened the hotel room door, the rain abruptly stopped!  I laughed out loud.  God is so funny sometimes.  He wants me to be sure that he stopped that rain just for me.  He has totally been with me this entire trip.  I wore my getup to the car anyway, just in case.  He is a good God, but Satan likes to try to mess up my groove sometimes, and I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
When I got to the clinic-a full hour early-It wasn’t raining at all.  And at this point can I just say that the GPS on my phone is the best thing ever?!  It totally takes all the stress from the drive. Even on a really stormy morning right in the middle of Rush Hour!  It takes the guesswork out of the route and allows you to focus on what’s going on around you.  I never really had the chance to use it before this trip.  Awesome.
I digress.  So, the EEG tech got me in early and checked my leads. She said I was doing an excellent job taking care of them, and she sent me out the door 25 minutes before my set appointment time and said that I could come in anytime between 8:30 and 10:00 tomorrow, so if rain is in the forecast I don’t have to worry so much about my leads.
I went straight from the hospital to the Wal-Mart I had called about my prescription.  I arrived there with my GPS at 8:57 am and the Pharmacy opened at 9am.  I got my tums and a little composition book for my medical journal they are having me do, because I am Wordy Gertie, and one sheet of paper wasn’t working for me.  I also got some nail polish.  Got the medicine and headed back to the hotel.  I ate lunch in my room, watched a little T.V., played a little facebook, and laid down for a nap.  My head had been hurting pretty badly all day so far, and I was ready to have some rest.
I finally laid down about 1 pm, and was awakened in terror just before 3 with a TERRIBLE nightmare. I do remember this one.  It was like I was watching a video on youtube where an old friend of mine who I haven’t seen or thought of in years died in a crash while leaving his wedding.  Then I was the person filming the video. Then I was in the vehicle.  I haven’t seen him since we were teenagers, and I don’t even know if he IS married.  It was so strange. I won’t even share anymore details.  I don’t want anyone else to have a nightmare.  Let’s just leave it at “It was a really freakin’ scary bad bad bad bad dream and I don’t ever want to think of it again.”  I looked for him on facebook after I stopped hyperventilating.  I didn’t find him, but I did find his mom.  Maybe I’ll look again later.  It may be silly, but I think I would feel better if I found him.
For about an hour after the ‘awakening’ I was really suffering with a severe migraine.  I finally took something for the pain.  I don’t like to do that if I can manage through them with just rest and dark rooms, but this one wouldn’t relent.  The pain has eased some now, and my body is relaxing from the stress.  So strange.  Maybe I am watching too much television, but I don’t really think HGTV and Food Network would cause a dream like that : P Also, I didn’t have that one medicine last night, so I took it and my other medicines a little while ago.  Most of my medicines can cause problems like that if I miss a dose.

August 13th
As you can see, I was unable to finish my journal during my trip.  The last of the 10th was fairly uneventful.  I did get out of the motel room and cross the street to McDonald’s for a Mocha Frappe’  That totally hit the spot.  I bet the caffeine showed some interesting things on my EEG.  I then talked to my hubby on the phone for a while before hanging up for the night and playing on Facebook and watching TV.  After my horrible dream from earlier in the day, I was reticent to doze off.  But alas, I succeeded at nearly 2 a.m.  I woke up the next morning feeling un-refreshed, but looking forward to going to the clinic to be set free of my gluey and tapey and wirey and itchy bonds.  I didn’t have to be there until 10, but I made it at 9:15.  The lady at the front desk looked at me funny.  It was like she wanted to say ‘two days in a row? An hour early? Can’t you tell time woman?”  I answered her unspoken question.  I simply said “Bad Weather.  I’m not used to driving in Little Rock, so I wanted to give myself plenty of time to get here.”  She just nodded and I had a seat.  Once the bonds were cut, I headed out of Little Rock, very happy to be going home, but very tired.  The headache I carry about with me was getting worse.  I’m not sure what is causing it. I am beginning more and more to think that stress is my disease.  I do know because of my MRI that my brain is beautiful and unscathed. So apparently we will have to look elsewhere for the problem.
August 16, 2011
Yesterday I contacted LRDC to find out if the Neurologist had read my EEG.  He had.  It was normal.  Two days of exactly the symptoms I have been struggling with, on record now—and the test is normal.  I don’t mean to sound upset, but I just hoped that I could get an answer and not have to keep this up.  On the bright side, everything about my brain is normal except that the pressure from the spinal fluid inside is a little too high, which causes the daily headaches, assumingly for the past many years.
Alas, however, I am not any closer to finding the answer as to why I am having what the neurologist is calling myoclonus.  Myo=muscle. Clonus=Jerks.  But even that doesn’t really give a diagnosis but rather names a symptom that must be attached to the problem.  So, now I have to go back to Little Rock and see My Neuro on Sept. 7th.  We’ll go over the results and decide what to try next.
In the mean time, he would like me to go from once to three times per day on a medicine that knocks me out.  Not keen on taking medicine that will make it even harder for me to work.  I think I’ll hold off at least till the weekend to try that.  Experimenting with dosages during the work week has not been historically wise.  Also, it seems counterintuitive to treat something you haven’t yet diagnosed.  I have to admit that the klonopin did help really well for a while, but just with any mind affecting drug, they begin to work less well.  Additionally, the tremors feel stronger than they did, and are breaking through the medication.  I’m just not sure I want to put myself in a stupefied state to treat a condition we can’t pinpoint.

So, I guess this chapter gets a sign-off with uncertainty about what’s to come next.