The Transition

From "Kimberly, You have a long road ahead" to "The Stuff of Life"

It's time to make the jump.  Now that I have traversed the arduous journey from 'the diagnosis' to 'the recovery', I have decided to move back to my original blog, and to write about more than just my health. I ask that you share my blog if you like it, maybe help get me a little exposure.

I want to write about positive and encouraging things.  If something I say seems to the contrary, I guarantee you here and now, that is is not my intent.

It seems to me, humankind has a tendency to wallow in misery and shut out love and support when it is needed most.  There is so much negativity; so much fear.  Let's face it -- loads of news about bad things happening stream into our homes moment by moment. Criminal activity, helpless victims of brutality, destitution, sickness, of both body and mind, looming threats to our physical, mental or financial well being.  I am not naive.  I know these things can't be avoided.  However, I have made the conscious choice for my part, to look for positive facets of every shard of broken glass. Reflection from so many different angles can shed light in the most unexpected places. I hope to be able to help mend a broken vessel so it doesn't have to sit in a corner, empty and useless.  I endeavor to provide encouragement, no matter how little good might come from it.  It never hurts to help, and the contrary is also true.

So, I hope you will make the jump along with me, and I hope that you enjoy what you see.  If you do, please share, and help spread encouragement.  There are plenty of other people spreading quite the opposite.

God Bless!

Things People Think Perhaps They Plan To Purchase

Did you catch T.he P.oint of T.his P.ost?

I was thinking on the way home from the store where I had been looking for a few things on which we are running low. The TP's. Specifically. 

Toilet Paper/Tooth Paste

And the reverse: PT's.

Paper Towels/Pop Tarts/Pet Treats/Pie Tins...I could stretch, but I'll let you readers do that.  Post a comment if you can think of other T.P. or P.T. things I haven't listed.

If you think of something, you don't win anything!

3...2...1...Go!

Hysterectomy Update

I had my pelvic ultrasound and met with my surgeon.  He said that the tumor was so low in my pelvis that the bony structures prevented getting a good look.  He said I could get an MRI, but the tumor has to come out either way, so we are going a bit 'old school.' They are going to perform an exploratory, open, complete hysterectomy.  Uterus, Cervix, possibly ovaries, and of course the tumor.  He scheduled me for the 29th of July.  The other surgeon who will do the panniculectomy part of my surgery was also scheduled.  This part of the surgery requires pre-certification, because in some instances, it can be considered cosmetic.  In my case, however, my doctors feel that it is a medical necessity.  If you didn't know, a panniculectomy is like a tummy tuck, but doesn't involve muscle plication.  It is needed to eliminate rashes and low back pain, and to aid in the healing process from the main part of the surgery.  I will have to be off work a minimum of 6 weeks.

Last week, I got a call from the plastic surgeon's office that the pre-certification was denied for that portion of my procedure.  I was pretty devastated, because I have to come up with nearly $7000 dollars out of pocket to cover it.  I have submitted an appeal, but before when I tried to have just this portion of the procedure done, it was denied, even after the appeal.  The long and the short of it is that it doesn't look very good for coverage. 

Last Friday the surgeon's office called.  My surgery date is cancelled because the surgeon has to have surgery himself on his back and will be off work for several months.  He has referred me to a new surgeon in the same office.  I meet with her this coming Thursday morning for a consult, and to begin surgery plans.  I am hoping that we may be able to get the same date, or possibly sooner, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

I am working to stay strong and stave off stress.  It is tough, but proving easier than I imagined because of friends and family who are helping me and praying for me.  Some are even working on helping me figure out ways to raise funds to help pay for the un-covered portion of the procedure and to keep the bills paid while I am recovering.  The blessing I feel with the help from my friends and family is overwhelming and such a relief.  Now, we wait.

A Little Update

A little update.

As you may have already heard, a recent CT scan has found a significant (softball) sized tumor in my pelvic area.  We aren’t sure of anything more yet. I have met with the Gynecologic Oncologist, and he says it is most likely benign, but it needs to come out—along with my uterus, and possibly my ovaries.  I go back on the 24^th to have a pelvic ultrasound, which will better determine the exact location of the tumor, and where it is attached.  I am fairly certain based on symptoms that it is not inside my uterus, which leaves outside the uterus, or on one of the ovaries.  If it is ovaries, I will be starting menopause in a month or so, because any choice of not having them removed is not up for discussion if the tumor is attached there.  Not worth the risk of ovarian cancer now or in the future.

I may yet have the opportunity during my hysterectomy to have part of my tummy removed.  The only hang-up is whether insurance will agree with 4 of my doctors that it is a medical necessity.  I am a bit stressed about this hurdle, and could use some prayers and good thoughts.  I was actually trying to have this done before the tumor was found, and was denied, and then my first appeal was denied.  I have had two different people at the insurance company tell me two different ways to get this covered.  I feel almost like I am on a game show.  If I pick the wrong one of two doors, then too bad for me.  More diligence is apparently in order.  Also, the surgeon’s insurance coordinator says that it is up to me to file the appeal.  The insurance company says that the ordering physician is required to file for the appeal.  If this is the case, I may be stuck.  I hate the thought of not being able to have this part of the surgery based solely on that type of technicality.  It just makes sense that it should be covered, and I should have both surgeries simultaneously and take care of everything including healing time and anesthesia all at once.  Whether or not it is to be so, which I pray that it is, it seems that I must be content with the outcome.  I could still have the additional procedure, but I can’t afford it on my own.  I am worried that my incision won’t heal well and I will have more pain from the weight of my large stomach pulling at the stitches and laying on top of the incision.  Not to mention that it already causes me to have rashes and exacerbates my low back pain.

Also on the 24^th, I will meet with the plastic surgeon again.  The next morning, I will again meet with the G.O. and we will start making plans for surgery.  I likely won’t be able to have my hysterectomy, etc. until sometime after the first week of July, as my supervisor is out of the office that whole week.  There are only two of us in the office, so only one of us can be gone at any given time.  Recovery time will most likely be 6 weeks.  Thankfully, I have a great job with good benefits, and I will be able to use paid leave for a large portion of my time off.  I also was smart enough to sign up for AFLAC’s short-term disability coverage last year, which will pay me 80% of my salary after the first two weeks I’m off.  It’s not the full amount, but it beats the band compared to no income at all for a month.

So as usual, there is good news and bad news.  More to the point, there is good news, and the stress of not knowing exactly what comes next.  Prayers are needed. No; coveted.

Then....Now.....Then What?

The Past

Three summers ago, I had pain in my abdomen, just below the ribs on the right side.  Tests indicated that my gallbladder was non-functional.  No stones were found, it was just sitting there not doing anything in particular.  So, I had it removed, I recovered, and still had pain, but simply attributed it to irritable bowel syndrome or something.

Two summers ago I spent in what felt like total darkness.  Starting in April, I saw a neurologist who said that my horrific headaches were likely from intracranial pressure.  A spinal-tap later, I was in misery.  I tried pain medicine, migraine medicine that made me very sick, and very stupid.  I got lost on ‘back of the hand blindfolded’ roads.  I called people by the wrong name.  I took one medicine which made me very sick; the warning label should have stated something like:  ‘may cause what feels like a massive heart attack.’  I wore sunglasses indoors and earned the nickname ‘hollywood’ at work. 

Finally around November of that year, I went to see a pain specialist, and she suggested cervical branch block.  It’s a fancy term for burning all the irritated nerves in the neck.  For three months I went through the regimen of short acting test injections, then long acting, and finally the permanent burning of the nerves, one side at a time.  Totaling 24 injections in all.  I now only get headaches when I make my monthly turn of the ‘wheel of fortune’.  Such a relief!

That following spring, I got all healed from my headaches, and my back went out.  I missed a week of work.  MRI scans showed degenerative disk disease in my lowest vertebrae.  Treatment?  Lose weight.  I was then at 275 pounds.  Much of the weight I gained stemmed from being completely sedentary the year before.  I recovered from my back pain eventually, and last summer, decided to take back my life from the clutches of despair.  So I got last summer off from health problems.  Praise God for a great gift! 

At the end of the summer, I saw a plastic surgeon to discuss my huge (insert whatever synonym you like for breasts here).  I started one of the most rewarding journeys of my life.  I started walking, even did a 5 mile hike!  I began losing weight.  On November 9^th, after some preparation, I had a breast reduction.  I went from a 44G to a 42D.  They removed 6.5 pounds of breast tissue. I have never felt as good in my adult life.  Such a relief.  I continued walking and exercising, and my eating habits were steadily improving.  Since my back went out at 275, I have lost 33 pounds, putting me at 242, and still dropping.

The Present

Now it is summer again.  I still have pain in about the same place in my abdomen just under my right ribs as I had before I had my gallbladder removed, but it is livable, and I enjoy my time feeling better and getting healthier.   

But, as they say, good things are appreciated more when they are interspersed with some adversity.

 

Over the last few months, I have had some bouts of severe pain in that same area.  I have lots of pressure in my abdomen.  If I lay on my stomach, or while playing with my son (hands and knees), I get a surprise attack of some pretty severe pain.  It passes, but it is miserable.  Also, I have to play contortionist to get in a successful position to do bathroom business of either kind.  Also, I feel like I'm in there every 5 minutes.  I feel full after only a bite of food.  My stomach growls all the time, and I have gnawing pain in my gut, like I’m constantly hungry, even though I haven’t much of an appetite. And Oh! The Belching! The periodic womanly symptoms are increasing in intensity. 

I figured I might have an ulcer, which would have explained the pain in my belly.  Last week I had an upper endoscopy, where I had to swallow a camera so the doctor could look around.  He said that he didn’t see anything in my GI tract that would be causing my pain, and he wanted me to have a CT scan the next morning.  After the testing, and a painful sleepless weekend, I received my results.  My appointment was yesterday.  The doctor walks into the room and looks at me in that tone of voice you know means they found something, and that whatever it is-is not good. 

“You have a mass way down deep in your abdomen, in your reproductive area, and it is about the size of a baseball. 4.5 inches across.  We don’t know what it is for sure, only that it is there.  I want you to see a Gynecologic Oncologist in Mountain Home that can talk about cancer testing, and if you are done having kids, more than likely a total hysterectomy.  Your appointment is at 9:30 Monday morning.”

The Future

I don’t know what the future holds, exactly.  I do know that I most likely have major surgery in my future.  I will keep everyone posted as I find out what comes next.  A friend reminded me to take one problem at a time, and not let myself get overwhelmed with the ‘what if’s’…

So, I put it to you:  Please say some prayers for me.  I can use all the strength, good thoughts, and healing energy that I can absorb.

Bless you all for being my friends.  I am grateful for each of you.

Equality

I feel a heavy weight bearing down on my heart.  I am seeing people taking sides on issues of what is right and what is wrong that should be friends.  Families in turmoil because of a battle that rages day by day.  People putting each other down because of how they feel, specifically in this instance, about equality, homosexuality, and marriage rights.  This is so much deeper than one subject, but since this is what is weighing so heavily on my heart right now, I want to talk about it.

I am a Christian Woman.  I have friends from many walks of life.  I love you all dearly.  I do not feel that fighting with those I love from one side or the other of an issue is going to be a good example of my faith or of the power or love of my God.


I Corinthians 6:9 says:

"Know you not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.  And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

I believe that we are all equal.  There really is a level playing field if we talk 'big picture.'

'Unrighteous people' doesn't mean 'homosexuals' any more strongly than it means 'thief' or 'liar' or 
'cheater' or any other wrong thing we humans are inclined to.  I am an unrighteous person.  I sometimes drive too fast.  I'm sometimes lazy.  I sometimes tell a little white lie that Forrest Gump's mama said wasn't gonna hurt nobody.  I sometimes lash out in anger at the people I love the most. I sometimes fall down on the job and let people down.  I sometimes am covetous.  I could go on, but who wants to read an 'air of my dirty laundry'?  You too, whoever you are, are an unrighteous person.  Because I am, I feel that calling you the same thing is no insult; it's simply a fact of life.  Pot, meet kettle; nobody's perfect. 

There has never been any human being born, or created by God Himself that hasn't had a natural urge to push the envelope and break the rules, or justify their life choices, I do it every day. 

Except Jesus. 

Neither the religious leaders, nor the laws of his day could find fault with him.  They had to make stuff up.  They had to indict him by going against all they knew and even taught.  They crucified him in the most demeaning and merciless way they could think of.  And he took it.  And he died as a direct result of it.  He didn't have to endure it, but he poured his blood and sweat and tears out physically to show that he was exactly who he said he was, and that we were, to him, that important. 

Just because I believe that homosexuality is a sin doesn't mean I hate all homosexual people.  To me it isn't about homosexuality, or lying, or stealing, or cheating, or  whatever sin you choose.  I would have a lot of people to hate if I were supposed to hate all people who were unrighteous. Lying is a sin.  I would have to hate everyone, myself included in that case, because I know no one who has never told a lie.  While some continue to ridicule my Savior because they do not believe that he came to do what he did for me, for you; for everyone---it doesn't change the fact that it is so.  He didn't come and offer an ultimatum.  He offered us a gift, and kept intact the right for us to choose what we believe.  I can't bring myself to feel animosity or hatred for people who don't believe the same things as me, or even those who denigrate my beliefs.  I wouldn't want to make anyone hurt the way it hurts me when it happens.  I believe that somehow through my words, by the power of my God, a seed of forgiveness and of faith would be planted in the hearts of the people who are drowning in the throes of a world gone mad, and that the vine that grows from that seed of faith would be a tether by which they could pull themselves free of the bondage of fear, the prison of hate, and the captivity of sin.  I pray that their hearts would be set free, their eyes would see, and their ears would hear of the peace of God that passes all understanding.  Of the peace I lose sight of in the muck of the world, but have only by faith to take hold of once more, which is something I have to do every day.

I am not here on this earth as a judge.  Thank God.  I believe that I am here as a voice of truth, and proof that perfection is not a requirement to obtain freedom and love and peace in a dark, cold, hurting world.  I cannot put into words the grieving I feel for people who fight each other on account of their actions, beliefs and ideas.  I believe that talking people into believing the way I do is impossible, not to mention a horrible idea.  I believe that showing people what I believe by living it with mistakes and sins included, and praying for hope and peace for our souls, no matter what, is the best-the only-thing I can-even should-do.  Please know, that I love you with my whole heart, and that I pray for all of us.  And I will continue to pray as long as I am here. 

God, give peace to those in turmoil.  Shed light in the dark places.  Set free those who ask it of You.  I ask it by Your grace and by Your love.  So be it. -Amen.

May you have peace.  May it guide your heart out of a dark place. If you wish for freedom, may you find it in His grace and in His love. 

Doubts that don't belong...

Life is just life.  Things happen. People go on living in the day to day.  I pray to God for healing for hurts, solutions for troubles, and comfort for those feeling loss.  I can't seem to find my faith, however, when I myself need something from God.  I feel like I don't deserve the gifts from Him that I believe wholeheartedly that others will certainly receive if I pray they will in Jesus' name.  I am asking that you all pray for me that I not only will feel His hand on my life, and hear Him say that 'whatever I ask, believing, I shall receive,' but also that those unspoken groanings in my heart will be answered.  No one thing I need is huge, but there are so many things that build up, like residue, causing me to slip and slide and hold the walls for balance as I try and muddle through.  I feel like I am trying to win a race and my lane is full of jello.  I think that if I could just get a little momentum from God, I could get a running start, and use the slippery surface to gain some ground, rather than lose it, or struggle just to stand still.  I couldn't explain, even if I tried, all the thoughts and needs that fill my mind, but I know that God knows. Please pray that God will speak, and I will have sense enough to hear His voice.